Truth be told, I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at me because I misjudged my wall setting.

Imagine for a moment, you are about to enter a restaurant. You check out the establishment, those working there, other customers. You must decide how high or low to put your defensive walls as you attempt to gauge their attitude towards people like you.

Marginalized, racialized, indigenous people do it all the time, most often without conscious thought. We walk into a new place, attend a meeting with a new group, or engage with a new person. Before or as the interaction begins, we set our walls in a last-minute attempt to protect ourselves from what cuts.

Racist comment 2 minutes in? SET TO HIGH!

Misinformation and half-truths shared with problematic terms but seems genuinely interested and open to learning? MID-HEIGHT setting, subject to change as more information is received.

Woke or “gets it”? Leave the walls on LOW! Enjoy the reprieve!

But unfortunately, there are times when we miscalculate. We put walls at LOW or MID-HEIGHT only to discover they should have been on HIGH. Upon realization of our error, we SLAM THEM UP as quickly as possible, licking our wounds, swearing at the wasted time.

And sadly, it happens more often than you know. And people still wonder why we stay with our own.

Me? Solitude is my sanctuary. My cat “gets it”. Here I can rest from adjusting walls and just be authentically me. And friends that know my home address? Yeah, I can keep the walls low with them too.

Until I learn I can’t.

And then, for a time, I go back to being angry at me for misreading you.

The journey continues …
 

I love you!
HUGSSSSSSSS
Sandi