Day Fifty-Two – Dancing with Fear


I am awake, I am alive, yet I type this post through tears falling freely from my face. Today I meant to share a teaching with you but as it turns out, it is I who must sit and eat.

No, no superficial post from me this a.m.. No teaching from a safe distance. A post by a friend, filled with honesty and gut-wrenching truth has reminded me that I must do same if ever I am to make a difference. So here I go, praying for healing, for you and for me …

For truth be told, this day begins in all its usual splendor but for me, the morning light also brings a full plate of neck pain, so intense I woke with a headache. The pain is multifaceted, made up of so many things. You see, it would be so easy for me to say “It’s just the near fall” or “Moving that desk yesterday wasn’t wise Sandi!” but I know that is just part of it, the mere physical part.

I recognize this pain after all, a pain that most call … fear.

Working diligently every day, revamping my business, reminding myself it will be so much better in the future – all aspects of a great plan and the future truly will be brighter. But the plan does little to diminish the ghosts of life past that insist on spinning me around in dance after dance after dance.

Homelessness wants my attention. He can’t believe I forgot him.

Days-Without-Food is reminding me he gets the next dance.

And Alone-Against-the-World doesn’t even ask. He just sits their smiling like the creepiest stalker you can imagine. His grin reminds me that he is there and that he will wait. That he isn’t going anywhere else anytime soon.

So this is me, acknowledging the fear and the stress that is knotting my neck into a pain that refuses to leave. My brain says, “Work! Earn the money! Silence the music” but the pain is so intense that my body begs “Don’t. Please don’t. Have faith. You will be fine. But please, don’t work today”.

Truth be told, I am honestly not sure what I will do with this knowledge served to me on this morning’s plate, whether I will rest or work or both, but I will … soon. Once I nibble on this offering. Once I savour it. Once I decide how much I am willing to learn at this sitting.

Not sure of the plate analogy? Well today is Tuesday and today’s video will explain how teachings are delivered. I will let it do the teaching today, as I contemplate what I have been served.

And my friend, I pray that whatever is served you today, that you remember that like me, you decide how much you wish to take from it. You and you along will decide if you have to be offered this meal again because that is what happens when we refuse to learn.

My journey continues … with rest and pain meds and time to think. Fear wants to dance and he asked first so today, we dance.

I love you my friend!

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