I am awake, I am alive, and this morning I am so beautifully rested, thanks to my increased self awareness and some toilet-training …
Toilet-training – that’s what my sister-in-law calls it. The term refers to any behaviour we exhibit that was honed in our past, especially those behaviours that do not fit our current reality.
For example, it was my ex that pointed out to me that I had developed a knee-jerk reaction to a man raising his voice. Without conscience thought, I would send my kids from the room to “play” or “go outside”, ensuring their safety if things escalated. But as he pointed out, I was no longer in an abusive relationship. Therefore, there was no need for the behaviour.
Once aware, I abandoned the ill-fitting behaviour. It was my choice, my growth, but the decision set me on what became a lifelong journey of identifying and adjusting. That journey has led me to a level of freedom and happiness that the prior me just could not have known. Especially if I was still carrying baggage packed for another trip.
Yesterday, yet another example of toilet-training surfaced but this one I will keep, wearing it as a medal, as an example of who I am and what I do.
The situation – the prep for this week’s events had just been completed. We were DONE! We DID it! My assistant had just left. There was nothing left to do and suddenly I felt it, dramatically and intensely – the exhaustion. The kind that has you so tired you just want to break down bawling.
The dramatic shift in how I felt got my attention. It is then I recognized my toilet-training …
As a young single Mom, there were things that needed to be done. I HAD TO be up and ready for work. The kids HAD TO be ready for school. Laundry HAD TO be done. Food HAD TO be purchased and prepared and on and on and on.
Exhaustion wasn’t an option, not until things were done. But as soon as they were, I hit the bed like a brick and yes, sometimes I cried.
Over this last week, as I did a hundred times before on my journey, I did what I had to do. A wiser woman now, I asked for help, but still busy season is busy season. Kinda like the last month of any course. It is grueling. It is an endurance race but I did it.
I did it.
It was 2 pm yesterday afternoon when the exhaustion hit and that is when work ended. From that point on, I rested. I became “one” with my favourite chair. And last night, I went to bed early and slept like a child.
And today, I am so very thankful to be the woman I am.
Some toilet-training needs to be discarded, this is true. We need not protect when no one is attacking for that imprisons us in victimhood. But others, they become who we are, the reasons we succeed, the reasons things are accomplished.
And this woman, is forever thankful for ALL her toilet-training. I have the confidence of a survivor, the faith of a woman knocked down so many times that she has learned to bounce back up like a yo-yo in the hands of an expert.
And that knowledge my friend, makes me smile.
Today, be aware of your toilet-training. Throw away what does not serve. Put it in the garbage along with past fears and insecurities. Keep only what serves you. Then get on your way my friend.
Your journey awaits and it is so much more enjoyable when we only pack what we need.
I love you! HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Sandi
